A letter to my {Alyssa} freshman self..

This blog post is a little different from the others I've posted on this blog, it's a collaboration with one of my greatest friends Alyssa. She's a shining light of God and I can't express how grateful I am for everything she's done for me. This week we decided to trade blogs, so I've written on her blog a letter to my freshman self and she's done the same. 

hope you enjoy xx

Dear Freshman Self,

I know how nervous you were walking through those doors on the first day. You were worried about your classes, what time you would be able to eat lunch, your group of friends(or lack there of) and how dance practice was going to be that day. You were just trying to make it through without falling on your face, or getting lost in the halls. Those seniors were intimidating and you avoided eye contact. It's okay. However there are a few things I wanted to say that might have made a difference in the way your high school career played out.

1. It's okay to be smart.

You were the only black kid in your classes. It's okay. Don't cower because you are different, embrace it and move forward. Sit in the front, take in knowledge and be smart.

2. It's okay to ask Questions

You aren't supposed to know everything. That's why you're still in school! Don't be afraid to ask questions to understand better. If the teacher says we have to move on, stay after class, or stay after school for tutoring.

3. Work hard, play hard

When you put in the work, you can have so much more fun. Get your homework done asap, then you can go hangout with your friends and not have to worry about all that needs to be done and the repercussions that follow from slacking.

4. Find friends that support you and who you're going to be

High School is about finding yourself and being confident in who you are. Find friends that support you, love you and life you up. Don't hang around with those who try to change you and your way of thinking. Take control of your life and be you...when you're you, you are happy.

5. Learn more about Jesus Christ

His love is never ending, beautiful, overwhelming, astounding, and life changing. Don't reject it. Accept it and grow in love and faith. Your life will change and you will be so in love with your life when you realize that Jesus Christ loves you into eternal life. My gosh your life will change. Open your heart and listen to those around you, especially adults.

Take these things and apply them. Life will be so much easier when you allow yourself to be the best version of you.

From,
Your newly, graduated, Senior Self :)  

 xx you can check out Alyssa's blog at http://alyssamiles.blogspot.com xx

___ Wow Alyssa that was amazing but tbh thank you for being you, for always getting me through the day with an encouraging text (or snapchat) and always being the one to tell me when I'm overreacting to something stupid. I hope you don't mind the Facebook stalking I did to get these pictures to add. Honey you're beautiful and I can't wait to see where this friendship takes us
lots of love,
Jess ___

Convert All Of You!

I'm in this pretty rad group message; it's basically 7 catholic girls in a group talking about random things like cats and Twitter, even better, cats on twitter. The conversation is even named "Planning the Ed Sheeran concert", but really it's just jess obsessing over cute things like cats, babies, and Emily Gordey." it's a pretty fun thing to have going, some days it's more active than others; and some days it is a fun topic that gets brought up other's it's not. 

Today is Ash Wednesday, if you don't know what that means it means that a bunch of people will be knowingly walking around with big black smudges on their foreheads. Of course we had a fun little conversation this morning about things like "CanI give up leggings for lent?" and "is Coffee considered a meal" but everything got theological when erin sent this: 

"Convert- To cause a change in form, character, or function.

This is the definition of the word convert. I am a convert to the Catholic faith, and I find that all true Catholics are converts. Now before you grab your catechism and your righteous indignation off of the shelf allow me explain why. We as humans are fallen. Since the Eve ate the forbidden fruit and brought sin into the world the human race has been drawn to sin. If we were true to our call to take up our cross and follow Christ we are required to change our hearts, and turn them towards Christ. We are called to literally convert ourselves and reorient our hearts and minds towards God, instead of towards sin. This can require some life changes, as any convert can attest to. Your habits, language, music, and even your friends can change. And all of us everyday have this opportunity to quite literally change our lives for better or worse because of our god given ability to choose. With every choice that we make we create a world in which we must live, and this is because we have the gift of free will. Free will is one of the greatest gifts given to us, but also the one that gets us into the most trouble. Some might say, and have said, that we are condemned to choose. And even though our choices define us we can make better choices at any given time. Saint Augustine is one of our greatest examples of this. He was a man whose debauchery would put even Christian Grey to shame, and then he had a conversion and became one of the greatest saints known to us. He isn’t alone in this though, many of our greatest saints made some of the worst of choices, and then because of a change of heart would become amazing examples of holy men and women. Our faith has that wonderfully romantic belief that any man or woman can completely and totally change themselves for the better, and all by the Grace of God. And you don’t just need to take my word for it, Saint Paul already said it better than I could ever hope to “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more." But to do its work grace must uncover sin so as to convert our hearts and bestow on us "righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.""

Wow girl, deep.
Erin and I are in the same boat, both converts trying to figure out the rest of the whole catholic thing. This totally made me change my mind on what it meant to be a convert. A convert is not a person that changes from Baptist to Catholic, we should daily convert ourselves from sinners to new Livers. (is that a word? Can I say that?) We should always be true to ourselves and find our own peace. That's what I love about the catholic church, I find so much peace in knowing that my God is in a physical form through the Eucharist during mass and at adoration. Something I will never be able to explain is the peace that I felt going to my firs mass, it was like everything came into place. I didn't need to worry about what I was going to wear tomorrow at school or who heard me jamming out to T-Swift in my car. Everything seemed to fall into place and make total sense in a chaotic world.
During this Lenten season I challenge you to find your peace, wether that be through reading the daily scripture or sitting in adoration. Find what make your faith alive and live for it not just during these 40 days but all 365.

My friend Alyssa just posted a great blog post about "The realness of life" she's so great at her blog so go give it some love! :)

The cool Kids

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in
I wish that I could be like the cool kids
Like the cool Kids" 

But child of God don't you know that you are a cool kid? You were put on here on this earth by somebody who loves you so much that he would die for you; even if you choose to not believe that this God is real he still loves you. His love for you isn't normal love, it's Agape love, he would and did sacrifice himself and everything he has for you and to see that you are happy and well.
You don't need to fit into society's standards to be a "Cool Kid" because you are the cool kid to God, he adore you and would do anything to get your attention; don't think that there is not a single thing that God would not do to earn your love. So what if you're a bit weird by today's standards, you do you. Wear your Jesus shirts proudly and dare to be different.

The Truth about Living With Depression...

     Today, January 15th, 2015 marks my one year mark with depression. On January 14th, 2014 my mother brought me into the doctors office because she thought that I was anemic. When I got in there the doctor started asking lots of questions like: How often are you eating? How many hours a day do you sleep? How often do you isolate yourself? My mother's talkative and very extroverted teenager was told to be brought to a therapist, the next day that therapist took one look at me and said "That it, she's depressed." I went in for a blood test and came out with depression.

     Depression doesn't mean that I sit in a dark room and not talk to anybody in a social setting, I'm a very social person. I love going places with my friends and having little adventures. With all that said I also have this undying need to stay home and not leave my room, not talk to anybody and fall off the earth. This causes me to loose friends very easily, because I don't like to have to go out in public where I am forcing myself to be outgoing.

     It's in no way glamorous like you see in commercials, you don't sit up perfectly in your bed and cuddle up in blankets all day watching TV. It's nothing like that, you can go out and feel perfectly fine with your friends and at a split second get the nagging urge to go home and watch Netflix for hours on end in the dark. 

     No, I'm not a freak, being my friend won't make you depressed. You can't catch it by touching a dirty tissue. It's simply an imbalance of serotonin in my brain that causes me to sometimes feel sad and not worthy. You never know when it's going to hit and honestly that stinks, but you have to deal with what you're dealt.

     I'm not saying that I'm 100% okay with this diagnosis, it's all about how you take it. I can think "Oh well a person who went to school for a really long time and doesn't know me personally says that I'm depressed so guess that's it." But I try my best to choose not to. 

     In life you have to choose your battles. This is one that I don't have full control of which kinda stinks a lot but if I decide to make the best of it then I can, it's my body I can fix this. 

     If you haven't noticed I've made a lot of advancements in just a short year, I've learned that it's okay to have bad days, just don't let every day be a bad one. I've learned that you can have the most fun sitting in the living room with your friends family playing Apples To Apples. 

     Honestly, the best thing that helped with my depression was Distinguished Young Women, ( I know I talk about it all the time but this is why I love it so much). As you can imaging the unending need to stay home and not want to be social put great strains on my relationships with friends, I've lost a lot of friends in the past year and a half because I haven't felt up to the challenge of going in public. DYW helped me so much, it forced me to come out of my shell (even though most people already think I am). It helped me by exposing me to new people in a new environment, I would probably say that once I participated in the DYW program and made the amazing group of friends that I have now is when I started looking up. I started looking up to these girls as happiness role-models. They've made me realize that happiness is a choice and I can chose to be happy and I can choose to be happy and make others happy or I can choose to not be happy and impact people negatively. 

     I'm seventeen which means that I can legally be offered anti-depressants. Personally, I've chosen not to be prescribed or to take them, if I'm going to feel better I want it to come from me not a pill I take in the morning. 

     Although you may think disclosing all of my personal life is a bit too far but I'm not sharing to get pity or to get attention. I'm posting this because I want to clear the air about what depression is, it's a inner demon that a person doesn't have control of. People like me with clinical depression will be in a social setting, perfectly fine, then leave the setting and start beating themselves in to a state of sadness. Granted this can only happen if you feel full motivation and have enough self-worth to get out of the house. 

     If you or somebody you know is struggling with depression know it is not his/her/your fault, but you can and will overcome this, depression only works if you let it. 

Oh and if you were wondering if the anemic thing ever happened, it did, I got blood tests and my iron levels were extremely low but I took my supplements and ate right and that part o my health is cleared up.