To the Family I didn't know still cared

When everything happened with my dad, hundreds of people reached out to me and my mom. People I hadn't talked to in a few years called, texted, and Facebook posted to make sure that we were okay. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can check out my last blog here. I'm not the type of person to ask for help, I have a very go-do-it-yourself attitude, which is being proven right now by trying to build a desk with minimal power tools and only 2 sheets of plywood, but that's a different story. I don't like asking for help, especially when it comes to personal matters.

When I came to college I had just left a youth group that was like family, I knew that i had 30 brothers & sisters that would do anything for me, literally anything. I knew that I could depend on them for whatever i needed, if it was a What a burger run at 2 am somebody would volunteer to go. I sought that same thing when I started my new adventure at Troy. I found my spiritual home in a church that had been around for 100+ years, the Catholic ministry on campus was fairly new and not very large, averaging 10-15 people. This was a total different atmosphere than what I was accustomed to. The youth group was small but I loved it, the first night there we had "Stump the Priest" and I of course asked Father Den if he would consecrate a doughnut for me. (he said no) I love it, plus my RA was in the ministry and I lived 3 doors down from the meeting place, so if I was ever asleep before bible study (I always was) somebody would run in and wake me up off of the couch.

The FOCUS ministries were some of the nicest people I'd met so far, their whole job's was to talk to us and help us grow spiritually. The first two months were great! I went to Bible study every Tuesday and Small Group every Wednesday; plus I still managed to make it to mass on Sunday, either on campus at night of off campus in the mornings. It was great. Then I had a falling out with one of my roommates and moved away from my faith based dorm, I stopped going to bible studies and mass. The FOCUS missionaries still texted me to see how I was but I never replied, I got the weekly texts of what was going on with the ministry but never made an effort to go to any events. I started to avoid everybody that I knew from the Newman Ministry when I'd see them on campus because I was embarrassed about my faith life.

I left Fall semester feeling empty, like I had purposefully let myself fall away. I came back into my Spring semester hoping for the best, I started going to mass more and to Bible study, I went to Washington DC with the University of Alabama Students for Life group which is partnered with their FOCUS team. It was all great, my faith was restored. Then I fell again, I was praying for this sign to come, it finally did in the opportunity to go on a retreat that was talked so highly about, but school and my anxiety got in the way and I backed out, letting myself and the missionaries down. After that I was ashamed that I had fallen so far from what I loved so much.

March came and the missionaries still reached out, I ignored and went about my life. Everything with my Dad started to go downhill in March, and looking back I should have let these people in to help comfort me when my times were tough.

April 10, 2016 I posted on the Facebook group asking for help. My dad had just been placed into an in home hospice program, I knew things were ending but hoped for the best.

"hey guys! 

I'm asking for some serious prayers right now, my dad (73) has been in and out of the hospital and rehab facilities the past month and we just recently signed a DNR. Yesterday we took some enormous steps with his care and started in home hospice. 

If you know anything about me you'd know that I hate asking for prayers because there are so many others in need. I'm just asking that you keep my mom and me in your thoughts for the next few weeks as we encounter the Lord's plan. 

Thank you so much for the support that some of you have already given me it's greatly appreciated! 

Have a wonderful week and go make a difference in the lives around you!"

I'd love to tell you that this simple post was easy but it wasn't, I struggle asking for help. 

Two days later this was posted: 

"Update on Dad:

last night he was transported to West Florida Hospital in Pensacola, FL by ambulance and placed in their short term hospice facility. Thank you tremendously for all of the prayers but right now things aren't looking too great. A few very close friends and family members are traveling to see his this week. I will be going home (hopefully) this Saturday as I am very sick also and haven't kept food down for over a week. 

Please pray for my mom, she's a strong woman and has been very patient with all of this. She loved hearing that y'all were praying for her. Please also keep my dad in your prayers, I'm the only Catholic in my family and my dad has not been to a church in over 20 years so I'm very concerned for his spiritual life. 

Please don't go out of your way to pray for us but if you remember try to send positive thoughts our way."

Two days later was the day my world changed. 

I honestly didn't expect much for what I posted, these people had no reason to care for me after I changed sidewalks to avoid them because of my own embarrassment. 

They chose to love me, take this broken girl and just love her. Thats all I could have asked for. 

Here's what I have to say to you Troy Newman Ministries: 

Thank you. 

Thank you for loving a girl who didn't deserve the love that you gave her. 

Thank you for allowing me to be a person that I am ashamed of but still welcoming me with open arms. 

Thank you for always letting me wear patterned shorts even in December because that's my thing. 

Thank you for being the family I didn't know I had. 

I wish I had more profound things to say to you but rather I'd just like to say thank you. these 10-15 people and 4 missionaries cared more for me that the "Best Friends" that I had thought would be there for me. 

I don't know why I felt the need to write this eternally long blog post just to say thank you but for some reason I felt the need to 

I guess the lesson that we can learn here is that no matter what happens to you the right people will always be there for you, even if you aren't there for them. 

The Aftermath

     I'm not gonna lie and tell you that my first year of college was easy, everything I have has been tested and I'm glad to say I survived. 
If you haven't been staying up with what's been going on in my life, on April 14, 2016 my dad died. That's still hard to say, it feels like I'm ripping off a scab every time. a month before that I sliced my foot open with a door. (don't ask I just have bad luck) Because of my foot I was on crutches for two weeks until it started to heal enough that I could walk on it. immediately following that I got sick with a mystery illness. It turned out to be bronchitis and the medicine that the doctor gave me made me even sicker than before, I couldn't hold down food for more than ten minutes. During the middle of this weird sickness that I was having we realized that time was short with my dad. Me, Matthew, my boyfriend, and Ellie, my best friend drove to the hospital in Pensacola where we met my Mom and Sister. During this whole time all I could think about were the times when I resented my parents for grounding me or not letting me go out with my friends. Those three hours to the hospital were the longest three hours of my life. 
     If you know me well enough you know that I keep most of my emotions very private and honestly just knowing that I'm about to post this amount of emotion for everybody to see publicly makes me anxious. 
     We met family and close family met us in the hospice facility and we waited, all night. We escaped from my sleeping mother and made a Krispy Kreme trip around 12:30 am and I had my final breakdown with my mom in the room. Early that morning he passed, the two hours after that were probably the hardest hours I've ever gone through. Seeing people in the waiting room knowing that what I was feeling was soon to overcome them through the loss of a loved one made me sick to my stomach. Nobody should ever have to feel this. 
     Loosing my dad at 19 was something I never expected to have happen to me. We always think "that can't happen to me it's impossible" nothing is impossible. Honestly I'm writing this post in the middle of my english class so that I can't sit in my bed and stop writing, because what I'm about to say needs to be said. 

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not overcome the light." John 1:5

     I'm not the type of person that has a Bible verse for everything but my mother is; I've called her many times at 2 am or later having panic attacks and freak outs where it's hit me that my life has changed. It's important to remember that life is going to really suck sometimes, and that's okay. Take every day you're given with others a blessing because you don't know when it will be yours or their last day. 
     Know that there is a plan for your life, maybe not your plan but a greater one. You will never be deserted, and when life gets tough know that it will ultimately get better don't let the darkness of life dim the light of your life. 
As for me and my mom we're doing okay, life isn't the same but we're getting through it together. We definitely appreciate each other more and more everyday.

     Thank you to everybody that has provided kind words and prayers, we appreciate every one of them. 

     I hope you choose to live by John 1:5 like I have, even if you aren't religious then just live by the idea of light overcoming darkness. Sometimes life throws water balloons at you just have to deal with the wet hair and runny mascara. 

A letter to my {Alyssa} freshman self..

This blog post is a little different from the others I've posted on this blog, it's a collaboration with one of my greatest friends Alyssa. She's a shining light of God and I can't express how grateful I am for everything she's done for me. This week we decided to trade blogs, so I've written on her blog a letter to my freshman self and she's done the same. 

hope you enjoy xx

Dear Freshman Self,

I know how nervous you were walking through those doors on the first day. You were worried about your classes, what time you would be able to eat lunch, your group of friends(or lack there of) and how dance practice was going to be that day. You were just trying to make it through without falling on your face, or getting lost in the halls. Those seniors were intimidating and you avoided eye contact. It's okay. However there are a few things I wanted to say that might have made a difference in the way your high school career played out.

1. It's okay to be smart.

You were the only black kid in your classes. It's okay. Don't cower because you are different, embrace it and move forward. Sit in the front, take in knowledge and be smart.

2. It's okay to ask Questions

You aren't supposed to know everything. That's why you're still in school! Don't be afraid to ask questions to understand better. If the teacher says we have to move on, stay after class, or stay after school for tutoring.

3. Work hard, play hard

When you put in the work, you can have so much more fun. Get your homework done asap, then you can go hangout with your friends and not have to worry about all that needs to be done and the repercussions that follow from slacking.

4. Find friends that support you and who you're going to be

High School is about finding yourself and being confident in who you are. Find friends that support you, love you and life you up. Don't hang around with those who try to change you and your way of thinking. Take control of your life and be you...when you're you, you are happy.

5. Learn more about Jesus Christ

His love is never ending, beautiful, overwhelming, astounding, and life changing. Don't reject it. Accept it and grow in love and faith. Your life will change and you will be so in love with your life when you realize that Jesus Christ loves you into eternal life. My gosh your life will change. Open your heart and listen to those around you, especially adults.

Take these things and apply them. Life will be so much easier when you allow yourself to be the best version of you.

From,
Your newly, graduated, Senior Self :)  

 xx you can check out Alyssa's blog at http://alyssamiles.blogspot.com xx

___ Wow Alyssa that was amazing but tbh thank you for being you, for always getting me through the day with an encouraging text (or snapchat) and always being the one to tell me when I'm overreacting to something stupid. I hope you don't mind the Facebook stalking I did to get these pictures to add. Honey you're beautiful and I can't wait to see where this friendship takes us
lots of love,
Jess ___

Convert All Of You!

I'm in this pretty rad group message; it's basically 7 catholic girls in a group talking about random things like cats and Twitter, even better, cats on twitter. The conversation is even named "Planning the Ed Sheeran concert", but really it's just jess obsessing over cute things like cats, babies, and Emily Gordey." it's a pretty fun thing to have going, some days it's more active than others; and some days it is a fun topic that gets brought up other's it's not. 

Today is Ash Wednesday, if you don't know what that means it means that a bunch of people will be knowingly walking around with big black smudges on their foreheads. Of course we had a fun little conversation this morning about things like "CanI give up leggings for lent?" and "is Coffee considered a meal" but everything got theological when erin sent this: 

"Convert- To cause a change in form, character, or function.

This is the definition of the word convert. I am a convert to the Catholic faith, and I find that all true Catholics are converts. Now before you grab your catechism and your righteous indignation off of the shelf allow me explain why. We as humans are fallen. Since the Eve ate the forbidden fruit and brought sin into the world the human race has been drawn to sin. If we were true to our call to take up our cross and follow Christ we are required to change our hearts, and turn them towards Christ. We are called to literally convert ourselves and reorient our hearts and minds towards God, instead of towards sin. This can require some life changes, as any convert can attest to. Your habits, language, music, and even your friends can change. And all of us everyday have this opportunity to quite literally change our lives for better or worse because of our god given ability to choose. With every choice that we make we create a world in which we must live, and this is because we have the gift of free will. Free will is one of the greatest gifts given to us, but also the one that gets us into the most trouble. Some might say, and have said, that we are condemned to choose. And even though our choices define us we can make better choices at any given time. Saint Augustine is one of our greatest examples of this. He was a man whose debauchery would put even Christian Grey to shame, and then he had a conversion and became one of the greatest saints known to us. He isn’t alone in this though, many of our greatest saints made some of the worst of choices, and then because of a change of heart would become amazing examples of holy men and women. Our faith has that wonderfully romantic belief that any man or woman can completely and totally change themselves for the better, and all by the Grace of God. And you don’t just need to take my word for it, Saint Paul already said it better than I could ever hope to “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more." But to do its work grace must uncover sin so as to convert our hearts and bestow on us "righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.""

Wow girl, deep.
Erin and I are in the same boat, both converts trying to figure out the rest of the whole catholic thing. This totally made me change my mind on what it meant to be a convert. A convert is not a person that changes from Baptist to Catholic, we should daily convert ourselves from sinners to new Livers. (is that a word? Can I say that?) We should always be true to ourselves and find our own peace. That's what I love about the catholic church, I find so much peace in knowing that my God is in a physical form through the Eucharist during mass and at adoration. Something I will never be able to explain is the peace that I felt going to my firs mass, it was like everything came into place. I didn't need to worry about what I was going to wear tomorrow at school or who heard me jamming out to T-Swift in my car. Everything seemed to fall into place and make total sense in a chaotic world.
During this Lenten season I challenge you to find your peace, wether that be through reading the daily scripture or sitting in adoration. Find what make your faith alive and live for it not just during these 40 days but all 365.

My friend Alyssa just posted a great blog post about "The realness of life" she's so great at her blog so go give it some love! :)

The cool Kids

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in
I wish that I could be like the cool kids
Like the cool Kids" 

But child of God don't you know that you are a cool kid? You were put on here on this earth by somebody who loves you so much that he would die for you; even if you choose to not believe that this God is real he still loves you. His love for you isn't normal love, it's Agape love, he would and did sacrifice himself and everything he has for you and to see that you are happy and well.
You don't need to fit into society's standards to be a "Cool Kid" because you are the cool kid to God, he adore you and would do anything to get your attention; don't think that there is not a single thing that God would not do to earn your love. So what if you're a bit weird by today's standards, you do you. Wear your Jesus shirts proudly and dare to be different.

The Truth about Living With Depression...

     Today, January 15th, 2015 marks my one year mark with depression. On January 14th, 2014 my mother brought me into the doctors office because she thought that I was anemic. When I got in there the doctor started asking lots of questions like: How often are you eating? How many hours a day do you sleep? How often do you isolate yourself? My mother's talkative and very extroverted teenager was told to be brought to a therapist, the next day that therapist took one look at me and said "That it, she's depressed." I went in for a blood test and came out with depression.

     Depression doesn't mean that I sit in a dark room and not talk to anybody in a social setting, I'm a very social person. I love going places with my friends and having little adventures. With all that said I also have this undying need to stay home and not leave my room, not talk to anybody and fall off the earth. This causes me to loose friends very easily, because I don't like to have to go out in public where I am forcing myself to be outgoing.

     It's in no way glamorous like you see in commercials, you don't sit up perfectly in your bed and cuddle up in blankets all day watching TV. It's nothing like that, you can go out and feel perfectly fine with your friends and at a split second get the nagging urge to go home and watch Netflix for hours on end in the dark. 

     No, I'm not a freak, being my friend won't make you depressed. You can't catch it by touching a dirty tissue. It's simply an imbalance of serotonin in my brain that causes me to sometimes feel sad and not worthy. You never know when it's going to hit and honestly that stinks, but you have to deal with what you're dealt.

     I'm not saying that I'm 100% okay with this diagnosis, it's all about how you take it. I can think "Oh well a person who went to school for a really long time and doesn't know me personally says that I'm depressed so guess that's it." But I try my best to choose not to. 

     In life you have to choose your battles. This is one that I don't have full control of which kinda stinks a lot but if I decide to make the best of it then I can, it's my body I can fix this. 

     If you haven't noticed I've made a lot of advancements in just a short year, I've learned that it's okay to have bad days, just don't let every day be a bad one. I've learned that you can have the most fun sitting in the living room with your friends family playing Apples To Apples. 

     Honestly, the best thing that helped with my depression was Distinguished Young Women, ( I know I talk about it all the time but this is why I love it so much). As you can imaging the unending need to stay home and not want to be social put great strains on my relationships with friends, I've lost a lot of friends in the past year and a half because I haven't felt up to the challenge of going in public. DYW helped me so much, it forced me to come out of my shell (even though most people already think I am). It helped me by exposing me to new people in a new environment, I would probably say that once I participated in the DYW program and made the amazing group of friends that I have now is when I started looking up. I started looking up to these girls as happiness role-models. They've made me realize that happiness is a choice and I can chose to be happy and I can choose to be happy and make others happy or I can choose to not be happy and impact people negatively. 

     I'm seventeen which means that I can legally be offered anti-depressants. Personally, I've chosen not to be prescribed or to take them, if I'm going to feel better I want it to come from me not a pill I take in the morning. 

     Although you may think disclosing all of my personal life is a bit too far but I'm not sharing to get pity or to get attention. I'm posting this because I want to clear the air about what depression is, it's a inner demon that a person doesn't have control of. People like me with clinical depression will be in a social setting, perfectly fine, then leave the setting and start beating themselves in to a state of sadness. Granted this can only happen if you feel full motivation and have enough self-worth to get out of the house. 

     If you or somebody you know is struggling with depression know it is not his/her/your fault, but you can and will overcome this, depression only works if you let it. 

Oh and if you were wondering if the anemic thing ever happened, it did, I got blood tests and my iron levels were extremely low but I took my supplements and ate right and that part o my health is cleared up. 

Change

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of staying the same."

This is a quote I have been replaying in my head the past two weeks.
Change, it's everywhere wether we like it or not. It's happening daily, from sunset's starting later and sunrise starting sooner. We see it in a newborn baby growing up. An elderly friend in their last days. There is something so magical about it that feeling that you get in the depths of your stomach when something new is happening, you get the is remarkable feeling of hope. Not the normal hope that comes along with praying that you did well on a test or that there won't be any traffic. It's a sense of hope like no other, you feel butterflies everywhere. Hoping that this coming change will be the thing that changes your life.
But with the good comes the bad, Change can destroy your hope also. One day you can think everything is fine and dandy and the next you just want to curl up in a  ball and do Calculus problems all night. Change can make everything different in way you never expected, it can give you holes in the pits of your stomach that just make you want to cry.
Change is inevitable and the only way to handle it is with grace and poise.
Even if we were the one to initiate the change that doesn't mean it's heartless. Sometimes we just have to accept change and know that it may be what's best for us. If somebody tries to change things it's not because they are insensitive or don't care, it's because they want want's best for others and that's something that we have to learn for ourselves. It can't be taught in school or read from a book. Accepting change comes from the heart and will be hard but is a part of life that will always be there.

My life is an open book things come, things go, but Miracles happen to those who believe.