To the Family I didn't know still cared

When everything happened with my dad, hundreds of people reached out to me and my mom. People I hadn't talked to in a few years called, texted, and Facebook posted to make sure that we were okay. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can check out my last blog here. I'm not the type of person to ask for help, I have a very go-do-it-yourself attitude, which is being proven right now by trying to build a desk with minimal power tools and only 2 sheets of plywood, but that's a different story. I don't like asking for help, especially when it comes to personal matters.

When I came to college I had just left a youth group that was like family, I knew that i had 30 brothers & sisters that would do anything for me, literally anything. I knew that I could depend on them for whatever i needed, if it was a What a burger run at 2 am somebody would volunteer to go. I sought that same thing when I started my new adventure at Troy. I found my spiritual home in a church that had been around for 100+ years, the Catholic ministry on campus was fairly new and not very large, averaging 10-15 people. This was a total different atmosphere than what I was accustomed to. The youth group was small but I loved it, the first night there we had "Stump the Priest" and I of course asked Father Den if he would consecrate a doughnut for me. (he said no) I love it, plus my RA was in the ministry and I lived 3 doors down from the meeting place, so if I was ever asleep before bible study (I always was) somebody would run in and wake me up off of the couch.

The FOCUS ministries were some of the nicest people I'd met so far, their whole job's was to talk to us and help us grow spiritually. The first two months were great! I went to Bible study every Tuesday and Small Group every Wednesday; plus I still managed to make it to mass on Sunday, either on campus at night of off campus in the mornings. It was great. Then I had a falling out with one of my roommates and moved away from my faith based dorm, I stopped going to bible studies and mass. The FOCUS missionaries still texted me to see how I was but I never replied, I got the weekly texts of what was going on with the ministry but never made an effort to go to any events. I started to avoid everybody that I knew from the Newman Ministry when I'd see them on campus because I was embarrassed about my faith life.

I left Fall semester feeling empty, like I had purposefully let myself fall away. I came back into my Spring semester hoping for the best, I started going to mass more and to Bible study, I went to Washington DC with the University of Alabama Students for Life group which is partnered with their FOCUS team. It was all great, my faith was restored. Then I fell again, I was praying for this sign to come, it finally did in the opportunity to go on a retreat that was talked so highly about, but school and my anxiety got in the way and I backed out, letting myself and the missionaries down. After that I was ashamed that I had fallen so far from what I loved so much.

March came and the missionaries still reached out, I ignored and went about my life. Everything with my Dad started to go downhill in March, and looking back I should have let these people in to help comfort me when my times were tough.

April 10, 2016 I posted on the Facebook group asking for help. My dad had just been placed into an in home hospice program, I knew things were ending but hoped for the best.

"hey guys! 

I'm asking for some serious prayers right now, my dad (73) has been in and out of the hospital and rehab facilities the past month and we just recently signed a DNR. Yesterday we took some enormous steps with his care and started in home hospice. 

If you know anything about me you'd know that I hate asking for prayers because there are so many others in need. I'm just asking that you keep my mom and me in your thoughts for the next few weeks as we encounter the Lord's plan. 

Thank you so much for the support that some of you have already given me it's greatly appreciated! 

Have a wonderful week and go make a difference in the lives around you!"

I'd love to tell you that this simple post was easy but it wasn't, I struggle asking for help. 

Two days later this was posted: 

"Update on Dad:

last night he was transported to West Florida Hospital in Pensacola, FL by ambulance and placed in their short term hospice facility. Thank you tremendously for all of the prayers but right now things aren't looking too great. A few very close friends and family members are traveling to see his this week. I will be going home (hopefully) this Saturday as I am very sick also and haven't kept food down for over a week. 

Please pray for my mom, she's a strong woman and has been very patient with all of this. She loved hearing that y'all were praying for her. Please also keep my dad in your prayers, I'm the only Catholic in my family and my dad has not been to a church in over 20 years so I'm very concerned for his spiritual life. 

Please don't go out of your way to pray for us but if you remember try to send positive thoughts our way."

Two days later was the day my world changed. 

I honestly didn't expect much for what I posted, these people had no reason to care for me after I changed sidewalks to avoid them because of my own embarrassment. 

They chose to love me, take this broken girl and just love her. Thats all I could have asked for. 

Here's what I have to say to you Troy Newman Ministries: 

Thank you. 

Thank you for loving a girl who didn't deserve the love that you gave her. 

Thank you for allowing me to be a person that I am ashamed of but still welcoming me with open arms. 

Thank you for always letting me wear patterned shorts even in December because that's my thing. 

Thank you for being the family I didn't know I had. 

I wish I had more profound things to say to you but rather I'd just like to say thank you. these 10-15 people and 4 missionaries cared more for me that the "Best Friends" that I had thought would be there for me. 

I don't know why I felt the need to write this eternally long blog post just to say thank you but for some reason I felt the need to 

I guess the lesson that we can learn here is that no matter what happens to you the right people will always be there for you, even if you aren't there for them. 

The Aftermath

     I'm not gonna lie and tell you that my first year of college was easy, everything I have has been tested and I'm glad to say I survived. 
If you haven't been staying up with what's been going on in my life, on April 14, 2016 my dad died. That's still hard to say, it feels like I'm ripping off a scab every time. a month before that I sliced my foot open with a door. (don't ask I just have bad luck) Because of my foot I was on crutches for two weeks until it started to heal enough that I could walk on it. immediately following that I got sick with a mystery illness. It turned out to be bronchitis and the medicine that the doctor gave me made me even sicker than before, I couldn't hold down food for more than ten minutes. During the middle of this weird sickness that I was having we realized that time was short with my dad. Me, Matthew, my boyfriend, and Ellie, my best friend drove to the hospital in Pensacola where we met my Mom and Sister. During this whole time all I could think about were the times when I resented my parents for grounding me or not letting me go out with my friends. Those three hours to the hospital were the longest three hours of my life. 
     If you know me well enough you know that I keep most of my emotions very private and honestly just knowing that I'm about to post this amount of emotion for everybody to see publicly makes me anxious. 
     We met family and close family met us in the hospice facility and we waited, all night. We escaped from my sleeping mother and made a Krispy Kreme trip around 12:30 am and I had my final breakdown with my mom in the room. Early that morning he passed, the two hours after that were probably the hardest hours I've ever gone through. Seeing people in the waiting room knowing that what I was feeling was soon to overcome them through the loss of a loved one made me sick to my stomach. Nobody should ever have to feel this. 
     Loosing my dad at 19 was something I never expected to have happen to me. We always think "that can't happen to me it's impossible" nothing is impossible. Honestly I'm writing this post in the middle of my english class so that I can't sit in my bed and stop writing, because what I'm about to say needs to be said. 

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not overcome the light." John 1:5

     I'm not the type of person that has a Bible verse for everything but my mother is; I've called her many times at 2 am or later having panic attacks and freak outs where it's hit me that my life has changed. It's important to remember that life is going to really suck sometimes, and that's okay. Take every day you're given with others a blessing because you don't know when it will be yours or their last day. 
     Know that there is a plan for your life, maybe not your plan but a greater one. You will never be deserted, and when life gets tough know that it will ultimately get better don't let the darkness of life dim the light of your life. 
As for me and my mom we're doing okay, life isn't the same but we're getting through it together. We definitely appreciate each other more and more everyday.

     Thank you to everybody that has provided kind words and prayers, we appreciate every one of them. 

     I hope you choose to live by John 1:5 like I have, even if you aren't religious then just live by the idea of light overcoming darkness. Sometimes life throws water balloons at you just have to deal with the wet hair and runny mascara.